Elusive Time

By Margaret Kokka

My sense of time has changed noticeably since I have joined that growing crowd of the elderly who are adjusting to the physical and psychic limits of our aging soul and body. The recent elections have only added to the rampaging climate changes that leave me overwhelmed by situations beyond my control and struggling to grasp our future often leaves me rudderless. 

Time has begun to play an elusive role, ever more and more. Without the guardrails of a given schedule provided by work or caregiving, time has become ephemeral and instead of treasuring the passage of my limited remaining hours, days or years I often find myself rudderless. 

Over the last decade my daily focus has shrunk as my growing infirmities demand attention. I am reminded that my sense of self has been adjusting to this changing reality. My eyesight has changed, sleep issues begin to dominate my nights I must accept that after kneeling to reconnect my unplugged computer, I will struggle to stand upright, I must be cognizant of holding onto the rails as I descend stairs, and that I must easily ask for help in opening a new bottle of salad dressing. More recently my focus returned once again on regaining my strength and balance aided by professionals. 

Photo by Bob Pizzi

Although the background chatters incessantly about the fragile status of our democracy, the catastrophic global climate disasters, I leave time to finally attend to what I can change or appreciate. Recognizing my gratitude for each day before it slips away continues to be a daily challenge. Remembering to savor the sunny rays of sunshine or recognizing the cold air as it ripples awakening my bare arms. Relish the ability to move, to do and acknowledge pain as proof of life. Taking moments to reflect and appreciate my good fortune is one step in living in the moment. 

I am learning to recognize life’s simple offerings with gratitude and the griefs and fears which linger at the fringes are receding and taking on its proper role. The memories of the past and even future dreams continue to haunt me but a gentle nudge will remind me to accept that the coin of our elder years is time–for us to spend and invest wisely, Gratitude for the here and now.

Photo by Nancy Rubin

Margaret Kokka
Born in 1934