Elusive Time

Time has begun to play an elusive role in my life as I age.  Without the guardrails of a given schedule provided by work or caregiving, time becomes ephemeral and instead of treasuring the passage of my limited number of hours, days, or years  left, I find myself at the end of the day empty handed and adrift. I lecture myself, to set up a schedule and at the end of the day I should have accomplished some goal I have set for myself,

So how did my days unfold these past 10 months.  Losing Harvey has obviously left a gaping hole in my life and that adjustment saps my energy but I can feel his presence still hold him close and I feel comfort each time when someone asks about him. Each memory is a gift to treasure and provides me with a shot of warm remembrance. 

However the fall that slapped me into a walker and curtailed my independence brought home that my acceptance of and humbly leaning into the loving support extended by family, friends and medical staff has been a godsend. Regaining my strength balance and managing my pain have been part of my daily workout.  Laser sharp professional skills have monitored my improvements over six months.  

To my deep chagrin, however, I have found myself irritable with a feeling of impatience speaking to staff over the phone’ or overly sensitive to perceived slights sprinkling my psyche with depression. Part of my low level grief is the growing symptoms from Parkinson present in my family history. Hovering just below the surface is the question: will this be genetic? At the same time, I can rouse myself out of my warm bed each morning, can fix myself a cup of Peete’s Coffee and tend to my persistent cat howling for his breakfast. Now life can’t be so bad: I can still Enjoy my warm bed, still savor  a cup of Peete’s and still hear my 16 year old cat. And still I must again regain my independence. One day at a time.

Interconnecting Circles

Margaret Kokka
Born 1934

Single, teacher of 8th and 9th graders, Roosevelt Junior Hi, Richmond, California

Advice; Continue to develop and follow your dreams

#Margaret Kokka


  1. Karen Hunt - April 18, 2024 @ 12:32 pm

    I am sorry for your loss of Harvey and your independence. A double whammy. A day at a time is the best advice for all of us at any age. Enjoy the warm bed, the coffee, the cat. Thank you for the heartfelt piece.

  2. Daniel Danzig - April 11, 2024 @ 7:33 pm

    Thank you for sharing this honest and transparent reflection. Your self awareness and thoughtfulness are certainly the right tools to manage these dramatic changes and find simple pleasures in each day. “Getting old isn’t for the faint of heart.”

  3. Mardith - April 9, 2024 @ 3:20 pm

    Favorite parts: “Losing Harvey has obviously left a gaping hole in my life and that adjustment saps my energy but I can feel his presence still hold him close and I feel comfort each time when someone asks about him.”
    I know the warm feeling of comfort when someone asks, a reminder that others knew the person, too, and he is remembered, and therefore known.
    The first paragraph is perfect and also true, as Martina said, “this need to ‘accomplish.'” In some ways it keeps us alive, even if it’s in trying to accomplish not needing to accomplish.

  4. Carl - April 8, 2024 @ 9:17 pm

    Such an honest writng Margaret, as you bring honor to the tasks that fill your life. You inspire me.

  5. Jim - April 8, 2024 @ 4:32 pm

    Thanks, Margaret. You help us remember to appreciate the small graces that keep us going each day.
    (That cat is HOW old????)

  6. Pat Gallagher - April 6, 2024 @ 9:33 am

    Your reflection is a testament to the power of persistence . You render well the struggle to move through grief, the pain of physical injury, and the coming to terms with current realities.
    Thank you, Margaret, for reminding us that small things are the big things.

    Pat Gallagher

  7. Martina Reaves - April 6, 2024 @ 7:57 am

    Such rich, honest details. An excellent first paragraph––evocative. And so true, this need to “accomplish.”

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